better to die than to live

 This is the day. The day  i feel like quitting. Not  just my job but also my life. 

I'm not a nice person, i'm not kind. I'm not smart. I dont deserve to be a doctor. I dont deserve to treat other people because i'm not  kind and i'm dumb. 

Susah sangat  nak luahkan apa yang terbuku dalam jiwa ni. I wonder if my colleagues or other doctors feel this way too? I've spent one year in this field. It's just another year to go before jadi MO, itupun kalau pass lah. If i dont get extended in current posting or in the next ones. Rasa rugi untuk tinggalkan begitu je without completing. Tapi I rasa rugi juga dengan the past one year that i've spent. I should have looked for other jobs. I should have just quit earlier. 

I betul betul rasa I dont deserve to live. I cuma rasa...... not kind. I'm a bad person. I was never a good daughter. I was never a good friend. I was never a good sister to my siblings. Hence, i was never a good person. Honestly, what is the point of living when I feel this way too constantly

I'm not depressed enough to end my life. All i feel is empty and this void is not enough to kill me 

Would i feel better if ummi was here ? I dont know. But i really miss her, I wish she was here so I could figure out if what  I'm doing is the right thing. I really need her for me to go on with my life, feeling better and not just living while feel like it's better for me to die because what is the point of someone like me, living in this world? It's not like i'm doing anything good to others 

My disturbing thoughts

 I thought writing this down might help me in some way, I hope it does. 

I have been thinking of wanting to die a lot of times already. But i dont know if it's normal or not. Sometimes I just end up feeling like I dont want to live anymore and when i close my eyes, I just cry and cry and imagine hurting myself with a knife from the kitchen, or getting hit by a lorry or i die from jumping off a tall building. It doesnt happen all the time, but it does happen sometimes maybe in a week or two, at least it will happen once. It started this year, maybe around 4-5 months ago? 

I started to cry a lot too. I'm not sure if I have been the type to easily cry but whenever I try to remember what myself was like when I was in my school years, I'm definitely sure I wasn't like this. I dont know what changed me, but I hate it. 

Another thing, I keep on feeling guilty. Maybe because I am the problem. I hate myself so much and I wish my life to end. But I'm too scared. If I didnt believe in God or religion, maybe I would have ended my life long ago. 

Am I normal? Does everyone else think like me, think about dying and death like I do from time to time? I try to do the things I can enjoy but I just end up crying some more because I pity myself. I pity that I have to change my behaviour, that I have to force myself to think that I am not a failure, that I havent done anything wrong, that I should love myself. And I just end up crying again because it is so difficult to believe the positive things that I've been trying to tell myself. 

This condition hasn't affected my life that bad so far. I just end up crying most of the time but I am so scared if it might impair my study life. I am so scared about it. I have difficulty concentrating in class. Idk if it's normal or not but sometimes I just end up as if I have absence seizures (if u learn medical that u would know what it is). I am scared. Sometimes I'm scared if I might really hurt myself. I'm scared to share about this to anyone else. What if people think I just want attention? Or, what if that is what I actually want?

No. I hate attention. But i need someone to understand me. But i dont want to talk about it. It is embarrassing, as if I have some sort of mental disorders. What if people stay with me because they pity me? I hate that. 

I know that people dont like me. People dont need me. Most of the time, I'm the one who needs other people. No one ever needs me. It's because i'm useless. I cant even take care of myself. I keep on relying on other people to help me out. I hate it. I hate it that I need other people to support me. I hate it that I cant do things by myself like others do. I hate that I have to keep looking for people to help me out, for me not to feel left alone. I hate it so much. I hate it that I keep feeling like I'm being left out. I mean, of course people will leave me out of things! I am not important. I havent done anything for people to need me, to appreciate me. I je yg asyik susahkan orang lain. 

Foundation life. Good or bad?

Hi, this is a post which i kept since i ended my foundation year, which was 2 years ago. It might be irrelevant now as to the recent pandemic, the situation would be very much different from the experience i had back then since you guys have online classes instead of normal-go-to-class classes (?) 

Hello harini kita discuss pasal foundation life sebab ada pelajar sekolah yang macam takut takut je nak menjejakkan kaki ke universiti. Ada yang cuak dapat score exam ke kalau masuk asasi sebab ramai kata susah. Ada yang dapat tawaran masuk ke matrikulasi dan diploma tapi takut nak pilih matriks sebab orang kata susah. Well, susah ke?

Okay ni jawapan saya sebagai graduan asasi (LOL) bukan matriks ye. Sistemnya agak berlainan sedikit. Tapi saya belajar di universiti swasta. Jadi, sistemnya berlainan daripada asasi di universiti awam. Kaedah pembelajaran pun mungkin lain sedikit. Honestly, my kind of foundation life was not that hard. Difficult to adjust to new environment and new people at first, but eventually I got used to it. Semua orang macam tu rasanya. Okay kita cakap pasal belajar.

Basically foundation ni dia ada lecture class, lab & tutorial class. Lecture class dan tutorial class ni emphasize more on learning and discussing. Lab? Okay lab ni adalah masa untuk korang berseronok. Kena buat lab report tu normal. Ramai yang merungut pasal lab report sebab banyak, especially kalau dapat satu group dengan orang yang pemalas, tak reti buat kerja, hantar kerja last minute, tak datang masa discussion. Kalau korang dapat yang ni, memang parah la hidup kau dik haha. Tapi lab ni overall memang seronok. Korang akan ada lab manual, yang dekat dalam tu ada procedure nak jalankan experiment & korang buat jelah dalam group. Lab yang paling best bagi saya is lab fizik. lab kimia dan biologi agak membosankan haha.

Baiklah. Macam mana nak survive belajar? Masa lecture class, fokus. Jangan tidur. Tak faham? Tanya je lecture. Okay biasanya after lecture class, pensyarah akan bagi tutorials, which is exercise based on apa yang korang dah belajar. Macam homework. Jadi masa tutorial class, bincang tentang latihan yang korang dapat tu. Tapi obviously lah korang kena siapkan tutorials tu sebelum tutorial class. Kalau korang tak buat, macam mana nak bincang? Nanti korang taktahu apa yang korang sendiri tak faham.

So, macam ni. Setiap minggu, belajar satu topik. Mungkin dua. Bergantung kepada panjang atau pendek sesuatu topik tu. Pada minggu yang sama, korang akan ada tutorial class juga. Bayangkan, korang ada 3 - 5 subjek dalam lima hari, tutorials pun sama, lepastu kalau kena siapkan lab report dalam minggu yang sama juga, memang tak sempat nak bernafas la haha okay over sangat. Boleh je hidup sebenarnya. Sempat je nak makan minum tidur segala. Sembang dengan kawan kawan pun sempat.

Quiz. Nak prepare untuk quiz ni memang kadang kadang tak ada masa. So, gadaikanlah weekends korang untuk belajar. Exam? Anggaplah ni waktu korang tak perlu tidur smpai 6-8 jam. Tidur 4-5 jam je cukup haha. Bukan selalu pun exam. Tapi ingat, korang kena tidur. Perlu berehat sebelum exam. Jangan waktu exam mengantuk lepastu tak boleh score sebab tak fokus masa menjawab soalan. Aha aku lah contohnya tu. Masa sem 1 jawab english paper. Lepastu aku insaf dah. Kalau exam petang, tengah hari tu jangan makan banyak sangat nanti mengantuk jugak. Tapi makan la, jangan tak makan langsung, nanti masuk angin. Aha macam aku jugak masa final exam chemistry :') Tapi Alhamdulillah mampu bertahan tanpa keluar exam hall awal.

Cakap pasal exam & study, I boleh categorize students ni ada dua jenis. Satu yang study untuk lulus je. Satu lagi untuk score. (Ni untuk asasi yang universiti swasta tau. sebab kitorang tak mohon UPU. Tak ada saingan.) Kalau korang masuk ke matrikulasi, study lah untuk score ye. Tambah2 lagi korang nak ambil course yang popular contohnya perubatan & farmasi.

So, belajar dia alah lebih kurang macam kat sekolah, cuma sistem dia lain. Tapi, kat sekolah, pelajar ni biasanya spoon-fed. Lepastu cikgu sanggup nak ulang banyak kali sampai students faham. Kat uni, bergantung kepada lecture korang. Ada yang baik hati ulang banyak kali. Ada yang siap warning, dia explain sekali je, siapa tak fokus, tak faham tanya kawan ataupun belajar sendiri.

Bila nak have fun? Have fun lah semasa belajar huhuhuhuhu. Weekends ada kan? Keluar la dengan family atau kawan-kawan. Kalau nak duduk diam-diam kat hostel atau rumah tengok movie ke baca novel ke ha suka hati kau lah. Nak study tu kejap je. Pagi2 bangun awal lepas subuh study kejap. Lepastu breakfast. Sambung study. Study ni tak payah lama-lama sangat kalau dah faham sesuatu topik tu. Take 20-30 minutes je. Lepastu rehat 10-15 minit. Lepastu sambung balik kalau rajin.

Kalau belajar setakat nak lulus, masuk kelas, buat tutorials, study sehari sebelum exam. Pagi-pagi sebelum quiz, study dulu. Boleh kot lulus haha entahlah tak pernah pulak aku buat.

Anyway, overall, if you want to be an excellent student and at the same time does not neglect all the fun you could get in your life at the time (yela, baru nak keluar mengenal dunia, jauh sikit dari mak ayah, boleh have fun dgn kawan2 without your parents knowing). You can have fun and at the same time, study juga. Susun masa. Cari kawan yang elok. Perangai awak sendiri pun kena elok. Kena saling memahami. Jangan mudah nak gaduh je dgn kawan over petty things. Kalau tak puas hati, cakap depan2, cuba selesaikan masalah. Yg paling penting, JANGAN JADI BATU API. Reflect diri sendiri. Jangan lupa Tuhan.

Baiklah sampai di sini sahaja. Goodluck geng!