I thought writing this down might help me in some way, I hope it does.
I have been thinking of wanting to die a lot of times already. But i dont know if it's normal or not. Sometimes I just end up feeling like I dont want to live anymore and when i close my eyes, I just cry and cry and imagine hurting myself with a knife from the kitchen, or getting hit by a lorry or i die from jumping off a tall building. It doesnt happen all the time, but it does happen sometimes maybe in a week or two, at least it will happen once. It started this year, maybe around 4-5 months ago?
I started to cry a lot too. I'm not sure if I have been the type to easily cry but whenever I try to remember what myself was like when I was in my school years, I'm definitely sure I wasn't like this. I dont know what changed me, but I hate it.
Another thing, I keep on feeling guilty. Maybe because I am the problem. I hate myself so much and I wish my life to end. But I'm too scared. If I didnt believe in God or religion, maybe I would have ended my life long ago.
Am I normal? Does everyone else think like me, think about dying and death like I do from time to time? I try to do the things I can enjoy but I just end up crying some more because I pity myself. I pity that I have to change my behaviour, that I have to force myself to think that I am not a failure, that I havent done anything wrong, that I should love myself. And I just end up crying again because it is so difficult to believe the positive things that I've been trying to tell myself.
This condition hasn't affected my life that bad so far. I just end up crying most of the time but I am so scared if it might impair my study life. I am so scared about it. I have difficulty concentrating in class. Idk if it's normal or not but sometimes I just end up as if I have absence seizures (if u learn medical that u would know what it is). I am scared. Sometimes I'm scared if I might really hurt myself. I'm scared to share about this to anyone else. What if people think I just want attention? Or, what if that is what I actually want?
No. I hate attention. But i need someone to understand me. But i dont want to talk about it. It is embarrassing, as if I have some sort of mental disorders. What if people stay with me because they pity me? I hate that.
I know that people dont like me. People dont need me. Most of the time, I'm the one who needs other people. No one ever needs me. It's because i'm useless. I cant even take care of myself. I keep on relying on other people to help me out. I hate it. I hate it that I need other people to support me. I hate it that I cant do things by myself like others do. I hate that I have to keep looking for people to help me out, for me not to feel left alone. I hate it so much. I hate it that I keep feeling like I'm being left out. I mean, of course people will leave me out of things! I am not important. I havent done anything for people to need me, to appreciate me. I je yg asyik susahkan orang lain.
